DATING IN THE DIGITAL AGE

Well, I was going to write about the state of the world and how it’s time to start a revolution (that one’s still coming), but I decided that writing about the world of dating might bring you more amusement right now.

Even as the constructs holding up the modern world are crumbling, we still need laughter… and sex.

I’ve been single for two years now — released back into the dating pool as a 42-year-old perimenopausal woman. It’s like my body knows it’s only got about eight more years before the libido takes a deep dive, so it’s making up for lost time.

Look out. I’m hot. I’m fit. I’m in my sexual prime, and I have very few shits left to give.

After playing “the good married wife” for 13 years, the expansive bliss of doing whatever the fuck I want — without checking in with anyone — is THE BEST. I’ve had enough hard lessons to know my value and worth, and (hopefully) I now carry a little wisdom and discernment too.

The last time I was single, I was in my late 20s. What’s been delightful is the meeting of two parts of me: my wild, rebellious younger woman and my powerful, sexy MAGA (female magician). Let’s just say they’ve been having a great time making mischief together.

And here we are — in this whole new world of dating in the digital age. I don’t even think “dating” was a thing back then. We just lived life and met people along the way.

After leaving two marriages, I wasn’t sure I believed in lifelong monogamy anymore — or whether open relationships work either. So I decided to embark on a journey of R&D (Research & Development).

Here are some of my findings.

Lots of New Words

The first thing I had to learn in the wild jungle of modern dating was an entirely new vocabulary. Acronyms like CNM (consensual non-monogamy), ENFP (a personality type), or BBC (Big Black Cock) (!) I discovered I’m now called a MILF — a title I have proudly accepted.

Then there are simple communication codes no one taught me in university: WYD? (What you doin’?) WBY? (What about you?)

Let’s just say I’ve had to look a lot of things up.

One guy told me he got his nickname because he could do a “B&E” in record speed. With my hospitality background, I assumed he meant Bacon & Eggs (!)

I will say this: sexting is surprisingly fun — and very convenient when you’re a single mum whose hours of availability are between 10am and 2pm on a school day. I was always good at creative writing and photography at school. Turns out my sexual fantasy world is slightly unhinged. Combine those skills, and you can go a long way in that small window between dinner and bedtime.

Time Is Elastic

Dating in the phone age is excruciating. There seems to be no consensus on how long is reasonable to take to respond to a message.

I’m generally secure. I don’t need a lot of external validation. But this dating thing? It requires Olympic-level internal bolstering.

You put yourself out there. You send the message. It’s vulnerable, but brave.

And then you wait.

And wait.

“Maybe he’s busy?”
“Maybe he’s not on his phone much?”
“Maybe he’s a man and can only focus on what’s in front of him?”

You wait. You pretend you’re not waiting.

Then insecurity creeps in. Suddenly you’re twisting yourself into a pretzel:
“Was I too much?”
“Too soon?”
“Should I delete the message?”
“What if he sees I deleted it — what then?!”

More waiting.

Finally: “Fuck it. I’m letting him go.”

And then — three days later — he replies: “WYD?”

He has probably not given it a single thought.

Communication Is Queen

The algorithm has clearly clocked that I’m single. My feed is full of very good-looking men giving women advice about what they should and shouldn’t do.

Women seem great at taking this advice, sharing it, and trying thoughtful openers like:
“What was the best part of your day?”
“What projects are you excited about this year?”

Instead of “WYD?” or my personal favourite: “Hey…”

I often wonder if men have good-looking women on their feeds giving them great advice. From my research, it doesn’t seem so.

One handsome dating-advice man says, “Girl, if he’s not messaging you back within a few hours, he ain’t thinking about you. And if he ain’t thinking about you, he ain’t into you. Dice him.”

I tend to give people more space than that — probably more than I should.

Sometimes I calm myself by remembering that in the old days, lovers wrote letters and sent them by sea mail… and waited three months for a reply.

But honestly, we live in an age where it takes less than a minute to send a message and a millisecond to send an emoji.

It may not seem like a big deal, but if a small response can mean the difference between a woman feeling valued and respected — or confused and insignificant — which would you choose?

Generosity Is Sexy

Do you know what’s sexy? Generosity.

Giving love and encouragement widely, freely, and courageously — because it feels good for both the giver and the receiver — is sexy AF.

Whether you’re connecting with someone for a moment, a night, or a chapter of your lives, you can honour them by being generous with your communication and care.

Something I’m noticing, which genuinely makes me sad, is that many men seem afraid to be generous. Some have been hurt by toxic, entitled women who were careless with their hearts. We talk a lot about toxic masculinity, but not much about a toxic feminine that demands, controls, and manipulates — “I own you, therefore you must do these things for me.”

What that can create in men is fear — fear of committing, fear of giving in any form. They don’t want to feel pressured to provide — not just financially, but with their time, energy, care, or reassurance.

Just as the waters of a woman’s nervous system need to feel safe in order to give and receive, so too do the waters of our men.

We all need more reassurance and support in these times. And I believe small but generous acts of connection and compassion are revolutionary acts in a crazy world.

Happy Lovers Day, lovers. May you give & receive all the love you dream is possible

X
Heart Waters

“Matriarchy is a hidden river, rising to bring balance in a broken world”. These words, from my-real life hero, Gina, stir something deep within my bloodlines. Gina, the 52 year old woman who didn’t just survive ten weeks solo in the Tasmanian wilderness for “Alone”, she did it with HEART. She did with the depth of attunement and the power of a woman who takes her place in the wild. Knowing she is not here to overcome her environment, but to connect with it. One creature amongst many, listening with her deep intuitive waters.

Fuck this parenting gig is hard!!! Yes, that’s right, I just started my first blog with the F word. I’ve taught my kids that swear words are not inherently bad, they just need to be used in the right place, for emphasis! When my 6 year old stubs his toe and says “shit!” I have to admit I feel a twinkle of proud. I’ve been parenting for 13 years now (where’s my medal?) and I wish I could say that its gotten easier…

Last full moon I cried for about a week.

A different type of type of tears. Those that know me well, know that “Heart Waters” is not just a FB alias. I’m a woman whose tears flow readily and recklessly… I can’t hold them in. A different type of type of tears. Those that know me well, know that ‘Heart Waters’ is not just a FB alias. I’m a woman whose tears flow readily and recklessly, I can’t hold them in. They are the song of my heart’s deepest aching, for all of life’s beauty and all of the struggle. A language of water that connects to all things.